Dog Latin

From an anonymous guest blogger:

It has come to my attention that a local elected official here in BoxTown proposes to allow the keeping of Canis lupus familiaris in an urban setting. This is an outrage!

Now, it is possible that I am mistaken because I often get confused.

I was raised on a farm (inside the farmhouse, dear, not in the barn!) and I know a thing or two about our friend Canis lupus familiaris. Let me tell you - dogs not only poop, but they also eat poop. Now, some may praise this behavior as the ultimate in sustainability, but to me it is simply disgusting.

Having consumed said doo or scat, the dog is likely to share the experience with you by means of planting a wet sloppy lick. Blechh. And they say that dogs don't have germs!

And there's the poop that they don't manage to recycle. What do you propose to do with that? Compost it? Not unless you enjoy hookworms in broccoli. Put in my precious landfill?! Have you lost your mind? Does a dog produce anything? We should fill up our landfill just so you can have an animal to keep you company? Sheesh.

Dogs have also been known to bite once or twice; actually 4.7 million times with 800,000 bites requiring medical attention. ON the other hand, sometimes dogs bite cats, so they do contribute something to society.

Now, most people who want to keep these beasts will no doubt be responsible owners. But, we all know there will be the few irresponsible owners who let their dog bark all night and poop in your yard. Can we possibly risk this intrusion on the good life in BoxTown?

Some dogs have been known to dig, dig, dig, useful if you needed a tunnel to escape East Berlin in the 60's, but otherwise not so much. Other dogs like to jump on people - oops, tipped over the old lady again. Some dogs chase cars (fortunately, few dogs catch cars).

What's that you say? There are 78 million dogs in America? So what?! Are we sheep?! BoxTown can lead the nation to a dog-free society. You want a dog? How dare you intrude on my right not to be bothered by your poop-eating mongrel! You want a dog? Move!

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As the Harvard marching band says, "Illegitimum non carborundum est".